Melancholy: dispirited, downhearted, forlorn
It's kind of how I'm feeling right now.
Sometimes things just don't go how you think or wish they would.
Jealousy is a strange feeling.
I'm not sure that I've ever really experienced it before.
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It seemed to be competition.
But, looking back, I really didn't stand a chance.
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Comparison is a dangerous thing.
But sometimes it's terribly difficult to stay away from.
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And I thought I was totally fine.
But I guess I'm not as okay as originally thought.
I lost.
And losing never feels good.
I'm really trying to put myself out there.
I really am.
But it's hard.
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I just want to connect with people.
I want people to want to be with me.
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I want to talk with people.
And I want people to talk with me.
And I mean really talk.
About important things.
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I crave friendship and closeness.
But sometimes I just don't know how.
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I'm trying my best but I feel like it's not enough, that it will never be enough.
I don't feel like enough.
And it's not that I'm sad.
Sad isn't quite the right word.
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I'm happy.
My life is wonderful.
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I've become friends with some really excellent people.
And I like spending time with them.
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I just feel so inhibited sometimes.
Like I'm intruding on their lives.
Or being bothersome.
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Sometimes I feel like it's better to just sit in my apartment.
Than run the risk of being a nuisance.
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There are people that I love hanging out with.
But inside I'm afraid that they don't really want to be hanging out with me.
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I'm afraid that I'm not interesting enough.
That they'll get bored and go looking for a new friend.
And I see other people.
And it seems so easy for them.
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I think to myself.
Why can't I be more like them.
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Because then I wouldn't be me.
And I like me.
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I guess I just feel like sometimes no one else does.
That I go unnoticed.
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But.
I have a lot to offer.
I really do.
So just give me a chance.
